I look at my phone, and there's no text at all. What did I do to be where I am? Was it God, is it God, or was it just me? Maybe most of us don't get texts... but not most of us don't look for it. They're just too busy to actually be sad about someone not texting them. But I'm the useless. I can get all serious about these small things, I do care... too much that I've spoiled myself. I'm too messed up! I don't have any friends other than some two who I only meet to be with for the wordily things... but then I'm all alone, thinking about why am I so lonely and vulnerable. Perhaps, I'm not always this, and this feeling won't go away now. Because it's a part of me now. I've become what I thought was only a bad time. I've given up hope now for it continued for too long and I'm too weak to believe something would happen for good... something out of the blue, something like a miracle. It may sound strange, but for me as I'm living it, it's very painful yet very real... the kinda real you accept and live because you can't do anything about it.
Bohot bezar hogaye ho zindage se tum...
Jab bas me kuch nahi, to bezar hi raho.
Then, because I'm alive and living among people with my parents who think I'd do something great... not really. When you don't secure admission in two years straight, even your parents don't feel proud of you anymore. You're home all day, and do nothing. You could feel they're sick of you. They just want out doing something... anything! But you don't. Because you're too weak to do something, and worse, too hopeless. And I know someone who would read it, say that it's really something you're trapped in... that you're psychology is damaged because you've been constantly thinking negative stuff, but it's not. I'm living this life and it sucks. I hope it's something like that but it's not. You don't get even the slightest of hope all day, everyday. You think of ending it at once, so that you don't have to live this mess all along... but you can't even do that. In fact, you can't do anything!
And why am I writing all these? Do they even matter to anyone? I guess not! Nobody gives a shit. It's all you. You have to suffer and suffer... and more suffer.... and even more. But I write to tell myself how I am, because I need to feel certain about my health, my life, myself.... that once I was so proud of, that once I lived happily... but now happiness is the thing that doesn't come by at all. Eventually, I cry... and cry again... and the next day, and so on.
I do seek for help... from a handful of people around... but what am I seeking? What kinda help do I want? I don't know. They have their lives, their problems... why would they help you? Esp when you don't know that how could you be helped... And neither do they.
But you know something... after being through all these, I'm certain of something that if someone was going through what I'm going... I'd give my all attention to help him. Because I know how hard it is be living without hope and because I've this useless time.. everyday, weeks, months, years... until my death... which I pray for every other day because life kicks me every other day.