I did not sleep when we talked all night. We chated and smiled, and chated even more. We discussed every silly thing, every past memory, anything to keep the conversation going. Then, I did not sleep when I sent texts with each hour changing from one to two AM and from two to three. Every hour passed and I came up with a new text and I just sent it. I kept sending it even though I knew I would get no replies. But that's how I like it, uninterpreted expression of my feelings and enjoying the delight I get to know that you would read it with a smiling face the next morning, the delight that you would never be able to reply to return the amount of feelings and love I sent you throughout the quiet, sleepless, calm, romantic and lonely night.
Tonight I am not asleep not because I have someone to talk to, or text to, someone close to my heart, someone who I love or have feelings for, or someone who actually cares how I feel about them, I am awake because I have myself and no one. Because as the hours passed, I felt more comfortable under my blanket, and my heart felt at peace. Loneliness did not bother me, and the silence sang to me in the unheard of ways. But I was accompanied actually, it was the movie Call me by Your name. I started writing just as the movie ended... because I wanted to write. I felt like writing, the mood was so set for. There's something so attractive and romantic about being awake, and being awake lonely. All by yourself. The peaceful atmosphere calls you towards it, and you live through it as if sleeping never existed. You are awake, and there no sleeping. Not this night. And you just go deeper and deeper into it. Everything you think of seems fine, and alright. You feel lifted, and unweighted. It all seems possible, or even better, it does not seem to bother at all. And suddenly you realize this night is so short, it is running out. And it's not every other night, or can it be? I have not tried but I think it's this one special night. But you don't fear losing it or panic because the sun would rise... it is not something you control or possess. It is not valuable, but this is something you have for the moment. You just enjoy it without knowing that you enjoying it. It is all so in between sadness and joy, between hopelessness and hope... it is oddly normal. It is plain.
To my such matured and apathetic feelings have contributed this beautiful movie that I just watched. Just to justify its purity and originality, it came out surprisingly cool and low-key out of the bombardment of the reviews about it being the best movie of the year. Mostly what happens is that a movie becomes so cliched due to all the reviews and publicity and thought of as favorites for awards that it becomes hard to love the movie when you finally watch it. It is like you repel it by the time you watch it because it smells so publicized. But this movie was calm from beginning to the end. It was beautiful, easy, and lazy in an attractive manner. I liked how actors where more body and less cloths, and always carried glasses and books with them. I loved Italy and the cycles; farms and the fruits; streets, houses and the rivers. I loved the human skin and the natural feel to it in this movie. It complemented the actors more and more as they came out less clothed. It made me love myself, my body, my hair and my skin. It all felt so smooth and warm. It should awful lot about love and any other movie might have. Love does not see genders, or situation, or age... it just happens and it always happens for good. It is the most beautiful thing that exists and through, and only through it can you feel and see all the beautiful things around you. It makes you cry, and makes you laugh; both to warm your heart and nourish your feelings. It feeds your soul and touches to the deepest levels. Your feelings go replete as you love more and let love fill your life.
It is ironic for someone as lonely and aloof as me to talk to passionately about love. I mean what would I know? I have not loved for years now. I have not anybody to love, and anybody to show me love. But you don't need people. I believe it's just you and your heart. Love can happen between you and no one; between you and loneliness; you and books or music; or you and a movie that fills you with feelings of love and makes you smile and hope and long. But how blessed, how fortunate are those who have someone to share love with for for it to grow, it must be shared. Therefore, I am sharing it hear and one day I will come back and read it, and feel these emotions once again, just as fresh.
The loose dresses, the warm weather, and the sweet characters... it made such a great movie. I follow fashion from this movie where the characters were praised by their simplistic attire. It was so compelling and attractive. And how could I not notice that one fly. It appeared throughout the movie and it got my attention every time. If it was, for it seems, a work from director, it highly appreciated. The subtlety on such a micro level, it's really a masterful job. Let others be left unsaid and be watched rather than talked about.
I was on a journey myself as this movie played on. I went places, I felt, I smiled and my heart beat relative to the tone of the movie. So I was not just watching, but I was experiencing this movie which made my this awake night special, warm, and peaceful.
You don't always need people around to feel accompanied; you can do it all by yourself.