PPS: I don't know why I am writing this here, but don't worry, no one else reads my blogs.
How do you come to like people? Feel for them... see them a little more special than others? And can you really control how you feel about them? I am here to write my answers, and I'd like to hear yours too. I hope you keep it a secret, something between us only. Pinky promise!
It around 10pm on Jan 14, 2018 and I am writing this on my laptop in my room with the lights off. I have the screen brightness a couple of bars higher so that I can see the letters on the keyboard. It is a cozy feeling here under the blanket, I am feeling good because writing always makes me feel good, though the surface of my feet are a little cold. I am specially feeling good, yes you can feel specially good, because I am writing what I have always wanted to tell you openly but couldn't. Is it a confession or an apology note, I don't know. What I know is that this is how I feel about you; these are my answers.
Little did I know about you when you first came to our so called "friend-zone", and even more little it took for you to completely blend in among us. Fast forward a little bit more and you and I were as closely befriended as two can be. We shared good times together. I found a friend who I can go out with, as many times as I want, and maybe I was someone trustworthy to you, someone open and lasting and attentive. Whatever it was, it held us together for the following years. But passing time only brought us closer, more casual and frank over our early awkward, modest friendship. But since I am always punctuated towards bounded fun as friends, to this date we are never that overthetop, body-joking, extrusive, wild friends as you might be with some others. Our friendship remains true, stable and rather serious type, which I really like by the way. But I also miss not being those wild friends, as I mentioned before. Anyhow, it twisted and turned, our friendship, this past year I guess... mid 2017 maybe, when we took another step closer, and I started feeling for you in certain way. Let me say this, you are a handsome guy, more than I could ever be, and I mean it. Sometimes you made me feel jealous while other times I was proud be biking around the town with you. You were the probably the first handsome, close, hazara friend I had. But it also made me feel for you, or let's say the ozone-d friendship until now, started to get polluted. The times we shared together, we two only, and especially the times we turned on the laptop together, I felt close, closer than before. I don't know if you've noticed, but I had a habit of crossing fingers and holding palms with you; it was an innocent gesture of my newborn feelings for you. I liked us, but the problem was, I liked us alone. I still do. I got more and more possessive about you. I wanted us to be close, but we never could be because we both were shy, at least I was, and our friendship was too modest for us to be that kinda close. So I kept it in, I have always kept it in. Not letting you about it, or anyone for that matter. I liked you but in a silent manner.
But you liked someone else, more than you'll like any of us ever. But I was okay with that. I respected it. I knew how it feels to feel for someone and to be with them. But it also, always, made me feel jealous, ignored, compared to him, and sad... sadder every time. I am good friends with him, but I always think of you when I am around him. Don't you ever worry, I can't steal him away nor I would. It's you for me. My troubles and jealousy for you doubled when I moved away and our most extroverted friend replaced me, I don't know if that's the word 'replaced', but he surely grew closer to you. He was and is in your every sentence, every fun, every joke, every memory, and in your every life: center, free time, travels - basically he is where I was, and that hurts a little. It hurts to see yourself fade away beside you and someone else emerge. Don't get me wrong, he is one of my oldest friends, and he is the life of our zone. And although I never quite clicked with him, our friendship is there to stay. But it's different when you're in the picture with him, it's sorta unfair. Reflectively, you more often mentioned by him too than the way it used to be. It's like you two are best friends now, and I am sidelined.
No one's fault here right? I mean everything is how it's supposed to be. But not true for me. I shouldn't have these feelings for you. But is it something I control? No sir, sadly I don't. It happens: I feel jealous automatically, I think about you automatically, I wanna do things with you automatically. I have no power over it. And this is the problem my friend. Our friendship is polluted. Everything normal for you isn't quite normal for me, because I have feelings for you. Polluted, I say, in a sense that I want us to be great friends and we've been for the most part, but my feelings want that to be more closer, more special, more related than how usual friendships are. And since our friendship's too modest for that, it can never be so. Here, among it all, I feel polarized, I feel tortured, I feel like I should hold you but what I rather hold is my feelings inside..
So what about it? Well, now I am telling you about it but I've done many things before I wrote this piece for you. I felt pain and hid it. I felt jealous but smiled. I felt I should move in closer but I held back and remained the modest friend. Finally, I faked: I faked being angry with you in order to torture you, to make you feel my absence and pleasure my presence, but only if I mattered that way for you, which I am still not sure about. While I am all flowers for you, you're so deserted towards me in return which kinda makes me feel belittled. I never got a glimpse of your feelings for me, maybe there were none. (You mentioned once that you noticed my bowling action matched that of Dale Steyn, and I was really happy about it: you noticed sth about me). I really cherish our friendship and I know it has never been one sided. You have been the best friend one could have, and I know you're happy to have me as a friend, and I wanna say today (in tone of Nawaz Sharif) that I too am happy to have you as a friend; a close one - maybe not close enough in that sense.
I may sound gay here, but I am not clear about it yet. We've discussed this topic too so you'd know how I feel about being gay. But it's the feelings I am highlighting here and how it has troubled me over the recent months and how polluted it has turned our friendship into: maybe because you never responded to my feelings or maybe I was the wrong one to have them. Look, we've been friends too long to cut loose now, but I wanted to let you know about this. It may change our friendship, or kill it once in for all, but at least I had the chance to let it out. I want it to be here, our friendship, or just go away with all the feelings, either way I am too selfish here. I think it's not further explainable.
Your dearest,
Ejaz..