Part Two: Love (pt.2)
It's 14 Feb today, the day regarded as the day for Lovers, Partners, Carers; I am certain I lived a 14 Feb back in that Summer season of my relationship, which was of course, more meaningful and exciting than what today is. But let's focus on 'that' Summer, shall we?We got closer, and that meant that we had now shared our ideologies about love, life, our hobbies, our music, our little secrets, and we had made our own little secrets as well; we had bonded in every way possible, but still it was just texting. And although texting seems a lot of fun at first, you feel all that ecstasy as you hear your phone binge (that ringtone is all what you hear, all day, everyday), or how good it feels to have the number of a girl you love, it makes the relationship more special, or let's say more envious for others. But again, like everything, texting loses its charm as well. So what did we do next? We decided to meet, or date as generally known. Now dating else where might seem a pretty common thing, but where we live, it takes a lot of courage and planning and a perfect execution. And it has to be somewhere far from where you live, just to make sure that nobody, who either knows you, or her, sees you, or else, it's going viral, or at least you fear it would. Our plan was easy, and the execution, however courageous due to all the hype, was the opposite, not so easy.
Eid was coming and I was just off from the Ramadan Atikaf (a three day stay within the mosque's territory). That night when I came out (I am afraid I am giving away too many details, but let's keep writing), I called her. I think it was our first time talking on the phone. I remember the weather, it was loud: The winds were blowing hard, it was raining, and there were thunderstorms, and maybe that kinda weather helped me man up and dial the number. But how was the talk? Well, what do you expect, it was awkward! She sounded shy and low toned and me too, I guess. We talked very little, maybe only a few sentences and that's it. But the second time we talked, it went smoothly, so smooth that we even planned our trip for the next day, which was the first day of Eid. The next day, with the help of my friends one of whom had a bike, I shopped and brought together a gift (she had already packed away my gift ready, although me being a moderate guy, had insisted not to buy one). It was an exciting, time-shortedly, heart beating morning which happened just too quickly. However, just before leaving, some of my family found out, and then, because I was way into it, they let me go ahead with it. Just crazy! So there I was, after that rush morning, standing at the taxi stop, waiting for her. But I was nervous, well of course I was, but for another reason as well: I get sick riding in closed vehicles, so the taxi was not a nice ride for our first date. What I did was that I went to a rikshaw (a three-tired open vehicle) and talked him into taking us to our desired destination, which by the way, was far away from where we lived.
She was late, and I was more nervous by each passing minute. Finally she came. Now you might expect me to write how she looked or how she had dressed, but I was too clustered in my head to even notice those romanticism. She had walked right into the taxi, and was waiting for me to come join her, but I waved her out and explained that that is not the ride we are taking, it's this one. However far our destination might have been, the route taking us their was through the town where we lived and since it was an open vehicle, there was a very got chance of being spotted, so she decided to walk the distance until it was safe for her to join me in the rikshaw. Yep, she walked, for maybe 10 to 15 minutes, while I rode. But hey, I couldn't join her because someone might notice us. But because this happened, I took away a memory that would stay neatly fresh until this date, and maybe forever. I had stopped with the ride on a safer place to pick her up, and was waiting for her to come, and as I took my head out and turned to look into her way, there was she was, walking towards me, and that's when the romanticism happened, that's when I noticed her for the first time. She was looking graciously stunning in her sky blue dress. Seeing her walking towards me in such elegance. made me pause all the thinking in my head, and along with it, all other thing stopped as well: the winds, the noises, the background blurred, and the ride too, oh sorry, it was motionless already. But it was like those movie scenes where the background music plays, and everything is so beautiful! It really was beautiful, so damn beautiful indeed. (A tip, if I may: she only has to be the most beautiful girl for you. Others opinion about her don't matter. Believe in that, it helps a lot.)
The date was awkward, shy, and first-timely, you know there's always a first time for everything. We exchanged gifts, Eidis, and went for a walk but the weather was too hot to continue so we decided we leave for home asap. And that was that, it was our first meet-up. However, our Summer continued, there was more of if left to live, to enjoy, to love, but only long enough. As the time elapsed, the Summer excused herself for the Fall was knocking hard on the door to have her turn.
As the leafs betray the branches and one by one plucks themselves away to fly with the breezes and go rest on the ground beneath, so did our happiness, our little joys, our interests, our excitements; what they were replaced by were the skirmishes and consistent, pinching, and relation-breaking doubts. They were the thorns left in place where flowers peaked in Spring and blossomed throughout the Summer. It was harsh, it was frustrating and it was un-understandable. We didn't know what was happening to us all of a sudden; that's one of the problems of premature love, you don't know how to deal with the tough times and so, the relationships end and great pain is aroused on both sides. If only we, or all those young love birds were a bit more mature to understand that there will be, not only one, but many harsh times throughout their partnership, but there are there to test them, to evaluate them to a higher level, to put them a step forward in their relationship, there wouldn't be as many broken hearts or curses about love and betrayal. And yes, these young, enthusiastic relationships have the potential to along all the way, but the two in that relationship, sadly, don't. Anyways, not knowing how to respond, we did what was easy, we faded away. We let the distances and the long silences grow between us. Where once we not texted in months or weeks, we now texted only once in a month just to know if the other one is there. To be honest, that excitement, that interest had really been lost from us, or at least from me. I didn't wanna talk, not that I couldn't. The Fall was the declining stage where our communication horribly declined, only to make way clear for the Winter to enter with all her might.(Is 'her' the right pronoun used for seasons? It's what I think).
Winter came rather alarmingly after the quiet season that the Fall had been. She started letting me know that there was something going in her life, but she didn't let me know what, which derived me crazy. I mean sure, it got the excitement back, although a different kind, but it was driving me nuts. I was having all kinds of thoughts: does she have a cancer? (this was insane! What can I say... I'm a little melodramatic) Is there anyone else in her life? (this one hurt) Or many other silly assumptions. But she kept insisting that I shouldn't know otherwise I'd take a rash decision. Which I did after she told me. I did many stupid things that still haunts me to this day, and probably haunts her too. I have never asked her about those old days. It's always toxic talking about those unfavorable memories. This should give you a hint that we still are in contact after these 4 long years, but it shouldn't give you, or us, any hopes. That's strongly prohibited! Anyways, I wouldn't go into the details of the nasty things that the Winter had stored for us because somethings are, indeed, better left unsaid. In short, it killed the relationship, but boy was that a nasty kill. If only we had foreseen that it was going to end anyway, just after being through the bond-loosing Fall season, we wouldn't have done all the embarrassing, inappropriate, unnecessary fight backs only to lead to a fiasco. Nevertheless, we ended on good terms, and I believe, therefore, we are still in touch. We are good friends, there for each other. But what could explain our present relationship more profoundly are the lines from Arundhari Roy (I just reviewed her The Ministry of Utmost Happiness, check it out); she very beautifully writes: "(We are) lovers and ex-lovers. (Our relationship has achieved a level so satisfactory) because they (we) trusted (trust) each other so peculiarly that they (we) knew (know), even if they (we) were (are) hurt by it, that whoever it was (is) that the other person loved (loves) had (has) to be worth loving."
I had encounters with love after that relationship faded in the background, but I have to admit, none worked. Maybe it was our incompatibility, or they were reluctant, but I believe, by that time, whoever I met, was just like me, scarred by love (or by the premature love) and that's too bitter and souring of a wound to continue risking again. But as for me, I wanted the risk. I was ready and I believed, and I still do, for the love that was given to me with all its wisdom and enlightenment, which makes me the person I am today, was way profound and strong than the, equally emotional and soul-shaking, but in a good way, pain it caused. But that's how it is, with love comes pain, as the day falls into night. I've accepted that, and that's what everyone needs to do in order to embrace love, let it flow through and within you. Why? Because it's worth fighting for, it's worth living for, it's worth enduring the pain for. (God I feel so good right now, it feels like Love is speaking to me, and I am writing the words). So yeah, although I'm single as hell and been so for the past years, I am still a cheerer for love. Although it hurts to be alone sometimes, sometimes when it's Feb 14, sometimes when you see your friend in love, sometimes when you see couples walking hand in hand, sometimes when a friend, quite brutally, talks about their relationship in such detail - in those sometimes, it sure hurts, but the hope lives on in me for what is life if not hope, and for what is life if not love.
Now back to the first two questions: Is love all we need? Do we need it at all?
Answers (or questions in answers): Love is all there is. What else could you need?
"Love is the most beautiful and urgent of all the feelings that all the living things need to feel." - Ejaz
To be continued for... Part Three: Are you...? Can you...?