A reply to ‘Tell me I survived (Future Self) from 10.13.2018’
I am deeply sorry for what you suffered, but what I am heart-broken about, now when I look back, is that you suffered alone. Alone in a sense that you didn’t have any knowledge about what was happening to you, you didn’t know how to ask for help, or who to ask for it? You suffered with doubt, which only made it worse for you and those around you. You suffered and you, nevertheless, kept suffering; each early morning wake up with those alarming heartbeats, and the immediate, crushing realization that yet another day is going to be the same as the previous one was. You sipped your tea in an anxiously hurried state; you didn’t talked to other properly; you couldn’t read or take joy out of it which you were so good at; your diet was pathetic even though you felt more and more hungry, yet you were too depressed and anxious to help yourself with eating at a nice place – you were just incapable of living. And on the other hand, too coward and confused to actually kill yourself. You were, indeed, suffering from depression.
However, I acutely remember in what frustrated and threatening state you managed to sit down for a while, which in itself was an achievement, and wrote that piece. And I can’t be more thankful to you! You triumphed as you sat down, with your thoughts and screaming negativity and haste caged inside, and wrote for 15 minutes, which has now paid off hugely. As I recently read that piece, I was awed at your ability to capture what was happening, and how it was happening, and how exactly you were feeling; all of which are extremely hard to realize, and even harder to pen down, when one deals with depression, anxiety disorder and severe panic attacks at the same time. Who knew, now I say to myself, that when I sat down and wrote ‘Tell Me I Survived, O Future Self’ as a gesture of hope amidst the darkest times of my life, that one day I would then be replying to this true love letter; replying as a better, more aware and more resilient person that - yes, you indeed did survive.
A lot has happened in the past year, but when I come to think of it, it all began to shift from that point on. First of all: you messed up. You did. And thank God you did. It was only after you messed up that your stubborn mind lost against the idea that you weren’t supposed to lose. And even after, it didn’t get better; because your depression had more, much more to teach you before it became your friend. Secondly, you declined and sank even deeper: your depression didn’t just go off once you had frozen your semester, and moved to Karachi and then to Quetta. It lingered, and troubled you even after you had yielded. Your depression was leading you to somewhere; maybe to a point of glory. Thirdly, you accepted depression and thought you had become actually ‘your depression’: you denied the ordinary life, you denied the pleasures of shopping, meeting friends, eating good food, reading or writing – you became your depression. And what great power you possessed when you finally, against your evil ego, accepted that you were, indeed, weak. Lastly, you became strong, for you had now been able to be weak; as the saying goes, ‘for when I am weak, then I am strong’. Once you had spent enough time with your depression, 90+ days approx., and thought you had learned nothing but only suffered from it (which is ABSOLUETELY WRONG), you were then ready to come out of it – or let’s say, come out of it with the help of your depression, because by then, you two were married.
From this point on, the fun begins! You get accepted for the exchange program, you pass through the interview from amongst the best students from best universities of the country, which instantly boosts your esteem and sense of aliveness back. Then you pass through, with a 3.5 GPA, from a 6 course term semester at a new university with no friends and still dealing with the aftermaths of depression – wow! And it is not over yet. August was yet to come. The holidays at home, as always, was spent even better this time around. The highlights being: resumed reading (finally!), cricket, socializing, a new and mature relationship, and the revival of YoungBlood. But again, August was yet to come. When it came, it tested what depression had taught you, and how deeply had it rewired you and made you the finest version of yourself yet! You lost your exchange program scholarship which was worth 47 lacs and all the dreams of spending 5 months in the USA – all gone in a jiffy. What made it worse is that you were a 100% ready, like others who went, to depart for USA in a couple of weeks. But how you dare you go to US and miss all the wisdom you were supposed to gain here?
You fought this setback like a champ! Not only did you surprise yourself, but your surprised everyone else around you. You stood up 8th (Japanese proverb) and dealt with it head on. You bravely shared your failure and weakness, you cried, and then you wiped you tears and started on the journey of wiping the tears of others and, here and there, spread some doses of joy and smile. But none of it made sense at that time; you had NO idea of what has happened and what will happen, however, you kept moving on. And may I say – thank you for this! Mom got severely sick, so we had (it will sound weird) the privilege of seeing our mom in the ICU on a ventilator – such difficult lessons and opportunities of wisdom are hard to come by. Like a lion, we faced it too: sat by her, listened to her, loved her; and meanwhile you read three books in two weeks, learned a great deal from them, wrote great reviews, and opened up to share them with others. Now you receive texts asking you, ‘how come you write so well?’ ‘How come you are so ready for the life ahead?’ Do you get it now, O past-self? You are ready – and your depression and you sheer strength to be weak and persist in that weakness, has paid off.
I won’t talk about now in much detail because you already know where we stand right now, somewhere we couldn’t have imagined to be three years back or even one year back. But I will say this: now we are at the metamorphosis stage. From here on, we keep growing and keep burning brighter, and one day – we will rise and shine! It’s not that we are strong and life has become easy, but rather that we have learned to be weak and understood, accepted and befriended life with all its grandness. Thank you Almighty! You indeed work in the most mysterious ways. I am ready.