In an age where we are told that time is everything, we often find ourselves rushing to get things done. We want to end our conversations quickly, we hate standing in lines, we get anxious waiting for someone, and all of these bring an unhealthy amount of impatience and anger inside us. Most of the times, this rage and unfulfillment keep us away from living a calmer life. When accumulated, these quick surges of anger become a followed mechanism through which we start to behave on daily basis, and often times, unconsciously. We feel a sense of unworthiness as we wait, yet we cannot really find any way to do something about it; we complain about things yet we cannot move past that whispering hateful self-talk going on inside our heads. Because we cannot wait, we automatically move to anger or distraction, both of which mold our behaviors into very furious or very cold habits. If only we learned how to wait and listen to the anger and anxiety that comes with it, we can start living a life where we feel less at conflict with ourselves, and leave enough room within us to understand others on a deeper level.
When someone is late (often times too late), we are habitually summing anger for them inside us as we wait for them for that extra time. And once they arrive, we either go off on them, or we sulk and say nothing at all. Both of these behaviors come out of emotional immaturity – where in first case, we fail to communicate our anger in a way that would make the other person feel more considerate next time, in the later, we fail to be vulnerable by saying that their being late really disturbed or hurt us. In failing so, we usually do not get to a good start with the conversation, and therefore the anger carries itself throughout the whole conversation; or more unfortunately, the conversation does not take place at all. Playing the right and wrong game here also endangers the opportunity of learning and making each other more aware and responsible to our actions. Maybe you are being too sensitive and punctual, and the other person is careless and chill; ergo only through a successful communication could we teach each other something that would help us to become less angry and less indifferent next time.
In acceptance we usually find how often we are wrong, and how healthy it could prove to be for us if we practice the habit of yielding. Anger, after all, is your problem because you are being reactive to your surroundings. A reactive response is always too quick and damaging, for it threatens not only the conversation but also your state of being at that moment. If only we find a better way of waiting, which I will discuss shortly, and accept that not everything is in our control, we can start practicing a calmer way of living, and nourishing our relationships as a result. Anger is also a byproduct of self-hatred. Because we do not have a healthy picture of ourselves, we usually predict that others see us exactly the same way, and their actions, thus, prove it. If someone is late, it is because they thought our time was not that important, and not because of any genuine reason; if the cashier is rude to us, it is because they despise us, and not because they might have had a rough day; if someone crosses us a line, they must see us weak enough to do so, and not because their attendance is in reality much more urgent than ours. By listening to these negative and furious voices in our head, we could then trace that we really do have an unhealthy relationship with ourselves. Next time we could try to be nicer, first, to the voices inside our heads, and also to the person we feel angry at – assuming that their situation does need more listening and kindness.
Finally, the title of this article has do with something that I really found helpful to accomplish all of the above changes in our behavior in a very simple yet effective way. So how should we wait? We should get busy while we wait. While we are standing in a long line or waiting for someone, we should start reading an article on our phone, or we should start listening to a podcast, or watch that YouTube video we had downloaded, or start thinking about something that has been bothering us (an un-replied text, dreams from last night, that nice comment from our teacher, not having heard from a friend in long time, purchases we need to make, the day so far and the day ahead) – all of these would really help us block the screaming negativity inside our heads and instead get busy into something more productive and calming. From personal experience, as I start listening to an article in these situations, I completely forget about the fact that I am actually waiting in a line or for someone, while I get busy learning something new as I do it. It is a genius use of our alone time: either you can add more value to yourself, or you can start sorting out the messy things inside your head. Songs or chatting with someone might not really work because songs have a tendency of disappearing in the background making it easy for the negative voices to penetrate, and talking to an angry fellow would only add to your rage.
I started thinking about this way of waiting when a close
friend of mine showed real rage and vulnerability saying he had to wait for a
professor for two hours. And in his confession, I was also directed toward all
the instances I had felt the same way. Then I started to think about
it, and with some help from a few articles and ‘The School of Life’ videos,
I found this hack that really worked. You cannot show your rage at your
professor, and you do not know why he gets there so late, so you cannot really
do anything to change the situation. But you can change your reaction to it.
Doing something productive as reading or listening, would not only make the
painful part of waiting go away, but also help you become more knowledgeable
and mature in the meanwhile. It also has a very positive effect on your
self-esteem because you now can handle your anger, and be nicer to other
people, and at the same time, learn something which neutralizes the anxiety of
time wastage. How better to read or listen to articles from ‘The School of Life’
because they teach you these very simple yet important things to help you live
a more aware and happy life.
In an age where we usually find ourselves rushing to get things done and yet fail exactly because of our hasted and preoccupied behaviors, this little trick can really help us – not only in waiting, but in using our alone time more productively for a happier and calmer life.
Ejaz Hussain
November 15, 2019.