I started this article on my newly purchased used laptop. After
discontinuing it midway, due to the unstoppable busyness I frequently find
myself in these days, I return some time later to complete the article only to
find out that my laptop won’t turn on. After some frustrated and bitter efforts
to find out the failure and the repair of the laptop, I am now humbly aware of
the fact that it will not get repaired. Thankful I am that this old laptop was
still accessible to me, and so I shall complete my many writing assignments on
here in the coming days, this being the first of them.
Before we rewrite what we wrote in the beginning of the lost
first draft of this article, I want to point out something that has come to
seem a fascinating glimpse of the human condition, in that when we are made
aware of some impactful bad news, a conscious being would – or was it the case
with me only – find himself thinking about what should he/she feel. Not feel,
but think and choose what he should be feeling – isn’t that astonishing to
think about? A very direct encounter of reason and emotion. Maybe the news wasn’t
ground-breakingly bad, and so you had the margin to think or choose what you
feel, and not being swept away from your feet by a sudden rush of avalanche-like
emotions. But still, my encounter with a few recent bad news has been marked by
this absurd predicament, I didn’t know how I should feel or respond. Something to
ponder about.
In my idle hours of the long summer days last year, I earnestly
complained of being crushed under the unbearable lightness of being, and
equally as earnestly, yearned for the winter, with its short days and cold
weather. This year, I find myself complaining about the winter and how
incredibly short its days can be. While I wouldn’t prefer being in the long,
hot summer days, with nothing to do, I, however, seek my complaint as note worthy
since it has come to greatly impact the way I live and how often I find myself
torn between the things I want to do and the things I have to do and now, and
again, and every day. This undeterred current of one engagement after another,
combined with my ‘accelerated’ state of mind, have had a significant effect on
my handling of life. I now find my very individual activities in direct conflict,
and more frequently than before, with the outside demands of life. For someone
who has been rarely busy in his entire life, such constant flow of external activities
in recent months would surely be received with a frazzled behavior. Here, I want
to point out how I find these days to be so short, and in general, how the winter
2022 is going so far.
In ‘placidity’, a journal a wrote a few months ago and lost
for it wasn’t uploaded on the internet, I wanted to write about the general
calmness of these summer and autumn months of 2022. Life in the four months,
from June to October, was very placid for me indeed. Also, I was obsessed with
the word ‘placid’ at that time; right now, it’s the word ‘intent’. After being
laid off from my training job, I didn’t want get into the messy and unresolved
business of finding another job. I still feel the same way about finding a job,
something that clearly points out my shortcoming in taking my career life
seriously. Anyways, I returned home and kind off dwelled on the idea of ‘doing
nothing’. Months after months passed; I remained in engaged in the repetitive
chores of the household, while also being affected by the floods and the inconveniences
it caused. At a certain point, such elongated idleness did seem to push down
the dark hole, but I maintained to remain passive and accepting of nothingness
in general. Friends’ company helped, so did reading. I picked my reading pace
after many months of little reading – something I am eager to do again. Things changed
with the arrival of October.
One of the things that changed was that my ex contacted me
again, wanting to resume my communication. It greatly bothered me as I kept my
silence and strictly refused to reply. I am both fortunate and understandably sad
that I managed to avoid what could’ve been another storm in our troubled land
of unsuccessful relationship. As this point, now knowing that why she wanted to
contact me (she just wanted to talk) and how she is (leaving for Australia), I am
convinced, both rationally and now emotionally as well, that our diminished attachment
shall no more both us – at least not as greatly as I fear. Moving on.
A momentum shifted, something changed in the ‘vibes’, as
October arrived. Things started moving. I followed suit. I moved to Karachi,
and realized how troublingly close I am to the exams and with no proper preparation;
something I was supposed to do in the now gone four months. I started a robust
preparation routine to make up for the time I had lost in ‘placidity’. But soon
enough I realized, how tedious this preparation could be, which until then I had
been cleverly deceiving myself by taking it as ‘tackle-able’ – mainly because I
know some English and that I have read some books. I realized how specific you
have to become in order to cover the syllabus; general, surface-level knowledge
won’t cut it. Where do I stand with preparation as of now? Not there, not where
I wanted to be. And I want to acknowledge my unresolved reluctancy towards studying
and my inability to study for longer hours for the state I am in before I dive
into the external current of ‘have-to’ that I gradually, and up until now,
found myself in.
Mother’s health emergency was where it started and where it
has now, almost, dwindled down. That combined with the arrival of winter, and
days shortening down, sent down a ‘worrying hole’ that I now find myself in. I feel,
even with myself, a sense of guilt for not being able to prepare up to my par. Coming
back to Quetta, I tried to continue and make better my routine of studying and
covering the syllabus as quickly as possible, but I couldn’t. The continuing
doctor visits, the frustration of finding myself alone in dealing with all of
this for the first time, added further to my already lackluster performance. Eventually,
being bogged down by the mental strain of worrying about studying and not being
able to study, I decided to step back my robust, and therefore, unsuccessful
stance on preparation. And because I was so crude in my approach towards this, I
couldn’t fall back on a more achievable and sustainable pattern of studying – I
accepted to step back all the way.
The second time I came back to Quetta after the doctor’s
visit at Karachi, my preparation was good to nothing. Arriving here, I completely
ditched my excel progress sheet where I posted my covering of syllabus in the
available time I had, and which I also pushed to keep studying day after day,
week after week. I now thought to myself, we’ll see how it goes. And it’s not going
so well.
For the past week, as things have calmed down, I can
summarize ‘how I live my days’. I wake up around 9, and by 10.30 or 11, I am
done with breakfast, and am ready to start my day. If I have nothing else to
do, I turn towards studying. The success of my studying, measured in how much syllabus
I was able to cover that day, depends upon how well thought out my plan to
study for that was. To work on my daily plans, I decide to go to the library,
hoping it would facilitate me in carrying the objective – in other words, I would
force me to study, and study for more than one hour. For that I usually plan to
study 2 or 3 subjects at a time, so that I get bored from one subject, I might
study another, and study hours increase. But usually, I tend to return home by
12 or 12.30, failing again to study for more hours. There are a few idle hours
before and after lunch, after which I might start a movie or resume one started
earlier, and then fall asleep. When I wake up, it is dark. The day is over. There
is no evening, just a slightly stretched afternoon, and a very short morning. Such
is the shortness of days. Waking up, I cannot get to studying all that immediately,
because I have to mentally prepare myself first. I go for a walk and listen to
podcasts, something I am very fond of doing these days. The good thing about
podcasts is, which is now focused around my syllabus as well, that it keeps
learning interesting. It helps me in learning about the subjects I am preparing
for the way I can learn better. Returning home, I have some time to spare till
dinner which I utilize to relax, and then after dinner I have a good window for
studying and getting more of it done. Yet I fail, because I haven’t been able
to crack a good routine for my night time, where my focus has only been on the
day time. Then of course, I need some ‘me time’ before bed which I spend on the
phone or continuing the left-over movie before I fall asleep and the day is
closed.
But if only such days had a repetitive nature, as they in
Karachi, and if only I had an undisturbed mind to cater and prepare for
studying only, I might have found a way through my reluctancy, inability to
study, and crack a good nightly routine – but things haven’t been so calm. I have,
without making any excuses, found myself helplessly busy in the demands of the
life. The little windows of idle hours that I had here and there, this day and
that day, I spent reorganizing my strategy for studying, knowing that I have
less time to cover the syllabus now. But I couldn’t utilize those hours to
actually study, which I needed to go first and foremost.
As things stand right now, I am divided between friends, the
misfortune of my laptop, the chores of household, the shortness of days, the
cold weather and its inconveniences. But above all, what is stopping me from
acting on the current strategy of my ‘targeted studying’ is – my own self. It is
my inability to convince myself to study, to drop myself in a willing mindset,
to say no to certain engagements that are not important compare to what I have
to do – that is being the reason for my demise in what could have been a good
example of a good approach towards preparing for the competitive exams. December
too has me stretched with its new lists, the ones that I follow and the ones
that I have to write myself.
With December approaching its end, and things having been
calmed down, and friends leaving for their cities, I see the last vacant period
for me to give this dying project one final go – albeit with a stripped and comprising
effort. I hope nothing new springs up, and I hopefully achieve what little I can
prepare for the much awaited, much hyped, and rather intimidating exams. What happens
after that, we shall surely write and update about.
For now, with a tender imperative about making the most of
the vacant times coming, I bid you fare well. Until next time.
December 20, 2022.