Image: the above image points toward my Michiavillian attitude, or its recent birth or seeding.
Just
right now, I learned that Nida has got engaged, or maybe married even. It
wasn’t clear from her status which one it was. But she isn’t available anymore,
that was very clear. Such sudden things, although in my knowledge, have been
happening left and right in my life since the start of winter. Why should I
call it days of revelations? Because the outside world is simultaneously as
robust as my inner world, going through rapid shifts in a life that seems so
replete that it might pour. So, in this journal, I will try to make sense of
everything that is happening all at once, albeit under the theme of
‘revelations.’ (I just heard the rikshaw beep: that same rikshaw beeped at this
hour of the early morning, 8:10 during my CSS exams a week ago. I assumed, with
certain confidence, that our neighbor’s girl is also appearing for CSS, but as
just proven, I can be wrong even about things I say with certainty.)
Which revelation to start with? Since we talked about Nida and marriage, let’s start from there. My ex, and I call her ex with affirmation and not hesitation anymore, emailed me to which I replied after a week of buoyed excitement, motoring through my CSS exams in hopes of something happy to be revealed when I would finally reply. I did reply, we even conversed a little, but then, the revelation came: that my brother had approached, feeding more into her ego, and that she is getting engaged next month, for certain as it seems. Why isn’t she already engaged? Why does she have to prolong the pain so much? Why not be done with it, hurt me that last time, and let us literally detach from each other and walk our separate ways? But at least next month isn’t all that far. Why I am not mad at my brother either, because he didn’t know and nothing happened, his involvement into what could’ve been a triangle seems even imaginably weirdly painful. It didn’t happen. It is only the old pain. There's nothing new about it. You can cry, but you need not to be afraid.
Safar got his hands tight as well. Saqlain’s continue to be miserably ‘iffy’. Juma’s seem to be directing towards a possible, official engagement or even wedding. Ali is interested in someone as well, and his family has opened the doors for nikah, expected this year. This year also, Mustafa might get married. Faraz is expected to get engaged in summer. Qamar, me, Saleem, Arif, Mohsin... we shall remain to be seen. We will dance and be happy on their start of new journeys, and will still be there to hear them out when something goes awry. As for me, for it has to come back to me, things seem almost bleak. There is no one to talk to, let alone to approach for possible union. Farishta from the medical store bluntly rejected my indirect approach; my ex wasn’t interested, she only wanted to tell me about my brother to cause me more hurt; Tahira is younger and I don’t even know if she fancies me in that way; I sent a friend request to Marzia and just dead movement from her side (seeing her the other day hurt, which answers the question, that we hurt ourselves). So, who? Should I wait, or should I do something? Wait, Tommy says, because you cannot do anything here.
CSS exam was a complete experience in itself. Despite the results being six or seven months away, I already feel the chapter closed so that I can analyze it. If the person has the freedom financially and time-wise, preparation for CSS with well-chosen optional subjects, is so worth it. One learns a lot about the subjects, while also being disciplined and undergoing a rigorous process that shall certainly change you for the better. But the right attitude is important. While I do believe that the syllabus compliments the required ‘learning attitude’ from students in order to clear the exams, still many students got into this exam for the prize money of officer’s job and typically undermine the learning part. Overall, I had a great time with CSS, and it has ushered me into new arenas of thinking and exploring where I shall next grow. It has given a shape to my otherwise shifting and confused life after graduation; a revelation about progress and ‘doing’.
RLF was another revelation. Recently I read a line from the season ‘The End of the Fucking World’, where the girl says to the awkward boy that you have come out of your shell, and it is so sexy. RLF was a stage where I had to come out of my shell and expose to the world, at least those paying attention, what I was busy doing in that shell all this while. While nerve-wrecking and occupying, RLF was nevertheless a ‘coming out’ moment for me, wherefrom I felt more ready to directly and comprehensively contribute to the society, even if it means going against myself. Listening to other speakers and guests, while also being in their company, was something novel and esteeming for me. It is only the beginning of what is to come – or not to come, where the beginning was all that I got.
From RLF, a narcissistic opportunity made itself more relevant and achievable that it seemed before. Fulbright scholarship appeared in that scholarship seminar like a way to get out of this uncertain country and begin on a life where your wildest dream might come true. It was an individualistic, YOLO revelation for me to choose on a career where self-contentment and happiness is as important as a sense of social responsibility. But GRE has got me stressed these days, albeit mildly, for I have just been done with CSS and wanted to relax, which I don’t know how to, so maybe I will just busy myself again with GRE. But I want to appear, feeding on the boost I got from CSS examination, and play my chances for Fulbright, first time applying. The thing that has more firmly dawned on me is that to do your part, and let others on God or on whomever or whatever you
have your faith in.
The
officer’s job, since I cannot spell the word starting with B, seems more
daunting in comparison to US scholarship. Not only is it modestly paying, but
also more demanding of you. But your sense of duty fulfills itself more
directly and evidently, dare I say more meaningfully as well, here than it will
should you choose the individual life path. Why do I write this way? (Should you,
blah blah blah, I am mature and write in an elderly fashion!) Anyways, the
conundrum I feel now is only the product of my present; with time everything shall
clear itself out as it always does. But it is that classic conflict on
interests, between and within oneself: to live for your sake or for the sake of
others, or in less black-and-white terms, which should you prefer more since
both can exist together? Time shall tell, but only that which I have worked out
myself.
On
more general terms, I am just better at performing my different roles: to family
elders, I am more responsible; to youngsters, more playful and attentive. To friends
I am vulnerable, engaging, available and respectful of their busyness. To strangers,
I am sympathetic and open minded to absorb in the entirety of what forms them
and their behaviors. To my elders, I am respectful and earnest to learn what
they learnt through experience. To myself, I am compassionate, talkative, and
patient; along with Tommy we are really doing fine on the personal level. To the
romantic absence, I am weak and pained, but in more accepting terms that in
denying or angry ones; I wait. To life in general, I am expecting more
revelations, while processing the ones that are dawning on me. A lot has to happen
and in so short a span of time.
Until
next time, with more revelations and thoughts,
Adios.
February 13, 2023
