“Friends swarm at me
with their hurtful remarks, while I dig deeper into my silence, more unable to
talk back. I can't find peaceful company, my own is full of anxiety. This shoe
I've been wearing everywhere.”
December 16, 2023
Writing is a really
difficult activity to do when you are depressed. Firstly, you can’t write – at least
not without some struggle. Secondly, whatever you end up writing you will most certainly
hate it. But on that New Year’s Eve when I wrote these pages, I was rather
feeling hopeful. Afterwards, me Juma and Arif met at RSK where I had a good
round of chess against them. ‘ Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to
come, whispering it will be happier… ‘
December 31, 2023
“Bezan baran.” My
depression continued; the pain remained unresolved. Eyham’s ‘ Bezan Baran ‘
remained a most dear song to me in those days.
March 20, 2024
Eid-ul-Fitar 2024. A
few of us had went to Dem, Mariabad after lunch at Ali’s. It was a good evening.
It rained, so ‘ Bezan Baran ‘ played even more beautifully, and the weather
wasn’t as cold. We even danced a little. This, let me mention, was after Akram’s
nikah, at which I couldn't participate at all. Juma called me ‘ master jee ‘ on
that day making fun of my attire; but look at him, looking a complete ‘ laghad ‘
April 12, 2024
That fateful day I left for Karachi again, after more than 2 years – years of mania, failure, and depression. It was raining, my heart was heavy, I shed a few tears on the way to terminal. But who knew what awaited me.
April 14, 2024
A routine of sorts was set: evenings at Café Metro for a few
hours, reading with a single cup of this tasty tea. As Dickinson had put it, “Since
some industry must be - ”
April 30, 2024
Although depression, as it starts, ends rather
ambigiously as well, however this marked the official end of my year-long
depression. I scored 84 out of 100 in my first ACCA paper, regarding which I was deeply
nervous, mind you.
June 1, 2024
A serious family video call
was going. I realized that I looked really good in the video call, particularly in this pose, so I opened the phone’s camera and took a picture. The matter of the video
call was rather ‘intense’, let’s say.
June 21, 2024
A few things with this picture: first, I took this
photo with my newly purchased used-S21 Ultra; second, this was at the
guesthouse, I was with my mom for her routine doctor checkup; and third that wallpaper
– just chef’s kiss! She’s Sevim from Ceylan’s excellent movie ‘About Dry Grasses’
August 3, 2024
Ustah Abdullah with Ustah Hussain, two of the better
Ustahs who helped built our house. This picture is from August 14,
Independence Day, where they planted and posed with the green flag, which was done
so on my mother’s request. How do I know that? Because my mother was with me in
Karachi, and I had forwarded her request.
August 14, 2024
A most beautiful day! This picture was taken from our apartment’s
rooftop, the only perk we get in living on the fifth floor is the access to the
rooftop. It was monsoon season, and this particular day was cool, breezey, and
rejuvenating! I would go as far as saying this was the best day of 2024 from my
stay in Karachi.
August 30, 2024
I had stopped here for tea after shopping at atwar-bazaar. It was Sunday
and I was leaving for Quetta later that night. The NB shoes I am wearing, I purchased
from the bazaar for only 800 PKR. I really love the look and fit of it. One of
year’s best purchases.
September 29, 2024
I had hit my nose against the iron bars fixed for painting
parts of the outer walls. I was back in Quetta and was helping with the cleaning
of our almost finished house. It hurt really bad and my eyes blacked out for a
few seconds. I applied ice afterwards to ease the pain but the feel of it
persisted for weeks.
October 2, 2024
“Aii rooz bara!” I woke up around 7am and the first thing I did was to
check my email app, and there it was: I had passed and scored 66 in FR paper, one I had
feared I would fail. I went on a merry walk from our rented home to the one currently building, and I took this picture of a rising sun peaking through the tree branches
while underneath it is an open running gutter line. Isn’t life so at all times? Beautiful
and ugly…
October 14,2024
It was a great cricket season: from the four tournaments that we played,
we reached the finals twice, won one, and in the other two we reached the quarters
and semis. Hadi was excellent with the ball; I almost envied him. Here we won the
final and two smaller trophies for best bowler and man of the match.
October 30, 2024
A quieter photo from the louder days and weeks. I took
this picture on the ‘ pathnoos e damad ’ day at the upstairs TV Launch, while
the women were partying downstairs.
November 2, 2024
Receiving KayBee and Leon at the airport. I’ve written a lot about how excellent
having them at the wedding was – but even as I am writing this, it still feels
surreal that they actually did come. Let alone how generously they participated
in our, and actually theirs as well, happiness.
November 7, 2024
Eve of the Mehndi event at Filmsaaz Studio.
November 8, 2024
First time at Serena Hotel Quetta, and I only liked it because of KB and Leon
and the presence of both our and babi’s families being invited there. The hotel
itself was underwhelming, but the day was sure memorable!
November 11, 2024
I know many his flaws – that’s the curse of friendships – but Juma is a
most favorable human being. In this photo, he achieves what even great loves
fail at: marriage with one’s beloved. God bless them!
November 17, 2024
Amaan’s shop: a haven and a heaven. The green tea, the
innocent and alive children, the old textures, the cozy atmosphere, and of
course his flowing monologue and dialogue. I guess his father’s passing was a
way for us to get closer to him – and to his shop.
December 6, 2024
This picture is to all the girls whom I crushed on and loved - at different
periods during the year, monogomously – and all of whom I wasn’t fated to
remain with. Delayed gratification, nevertheless, is sweeter than instant fulfillment
of wishes.
December 9, 2024
I met God here, for I felt Him.
The visit a couple of days prior to this, I was with Imtiaz and he was
standing in front of me under this magnificent tree while I was facing the mountain, which was giving birth to the day’s sun, illuminating the sky and the virgin clouds with
its delightful glow. I was smoking Seven Stars and talking about fate and God
and how this had been the highlight of 2024, age of 27, and of my whole life
basically, past present and future. The delightful glow, as I mentioned, the
cold breeze brushing against my hardened skin, and the dried leaves rustling
above my head; I heard how they sounded while also being deep lost in what I was
speaking. I was present at that moment; I was present with Him.
December 11, 2024
Tu kuja, man kuja!
December 13, 2024